Only if she had hit 'SEND'
by raelynn Angel
Summary: post 13x24. Tony comes across disturbing drafts in Ziva's E-mail, adressed to him. How will he react? disheartening in the beginning but comforting towards the end
1. I'm pregant

**NCIS has no meaning beyond tiva. They are my favorite couple. What we saw in "Family First" was horrible. I had to write this fic about Tony's broken state of mind and how he finds solace.**

 **NCIS doesn't belong to me, though I wish it did.**

McGee's caller id flashed on Tony's cell. Tony received it.

"work done. Check your e-mail."

"thanks McGeek. I see the MIT education is paying off."

"um…Tony. How's Tali, how're things?"

"Tali has been better. She's taking her nap right now. Feeding her green peas was tedious job though. I wonder how Ziva managed everything on her own these years. I miss her and I need her, Tim… Bye, I've gotta sort some matters "

Earlier that day Tony had asked Tim to find a way to get into Ziva's e-mail. For he needed to find some answers, some answers that would provide him solace.

What he on saw opening the attachment was unbearable. Ziva had drafted four unsent mails to tonydinozzoncis . She perhaps once thought about communicating with him. She had been just one step away from. The 'send' button step. But what stopped her?

To: tonydinozzoncis

Subject: I'm pregnant

Dear tony,

Give my regards to everyone- McGee, Abby, Palmer, Ducky and Gibbs. I cannot say how I miss all of you.

I have been conflicted about writing this mail. I'm pregnant tony, with your child. We know what happened after the orange grove. I loved every infinitesimal second of it. Two weeks ago, I missed my period and it was only today I realized I was pregnant. And I seriously want to have this baby. But I'm quite nervous and confused right now.

If you could come here things would have been easier.

With love,

Ziva

Words could not describe Tony's regret when he read this. If only Ziva had hit the send button. Things would have been right, he did not have had to miss any part of Tali's childhood. A strong feeling swept over him. 50% regret; 25% anger; 24% sadness and 1% of something he did not know.

He would have rushed to her the second he got the email.

He remembered the Mossad Director's words _that was precisely why Ziva didn't tell you_.

As if it was Ziva's decision to make? Now see where it got both of them- Ziva is…no more and Tony left to care for their toddler daughter whose existence was unknown to him till that day.

 **Curious to know what else Ziver wrote to Dinozzo? Its en route. I a probie at this stuff. So, I need some encouragement from ya'll. Please write reviews. Constructive criticism welcome.**


	2. First kick and crazy hormones

**Thank you for your positive response towards this probie. Read ahead the next mail.**

Tony proceeded to the next mail. It was dated 21st April 2014.

To: tonydinozzoncis

Subject: Missing you a lot with my hormones running wild

Dear Tony,

Missing you sooooooo much. Hope you are well and moving on with your life.

I've been pregnant for almost 5 months. Hmn I felt the baby's first kick yesterday. I was eating oranges when it happened. May be the baby likes oranges. God, for the for time in months I felt so happy. It's a killjoy, Tony. Wish you had been here to share this great moment.

Meanwhile I can't sleep well at night, the baby moves so much. The baby juggles everything I eat. My morning sickness lasts so long that I remain tired the whole day. All these things plus the hormones running CRAZY are sometimes driving me crazy. I sometimes fall asleep standing. Sometimes I find myself crying hard while eating. Those are the times I really wished you were there with me. Maybe you could cheer me up with one of the classic Dinozzo joke or a movie reference. Talking about movies, I watched It's a Wonderful Life this Christmas with our baby. We enjoyed it a lot.

Remember when we were undercover as married assassins. You were trying to picture me pregnant; well my belly is round like a balloon. The doctor asked if I preferred to know the gender of the baby. I refused at once, didn't the contract killer tell us _Believe me that's the best way._ My wild guess is that it's a boy, the way its kicking me right now. I can't wait for the baby to come out.

With lots of love,

Ziva

Tony again tries to picture the ever-fit ninja with a baby bump, maybe with even chubby cheeks, like he did when they were undercover. The same question arises again in Tony's mind. Why didn't Ziva send the mail? If only she did. Tony had every right to see Ziva round with his child, help her with her pregnancy and tease her endlessly.

Tali's first kick. Tony sure missed something wonderful. What would Tony had done if he were there when Tali first kicked and Ziva moaned in pleasurable pain? Kissed the bump once and then kissed ziva so passionately that she would have become oblivious of the pain.

He smiles. Ziva. How much he loves her. He doesn't need wild hormones to miss her sooooooo much.

 **Reviews please. I need your guidance to improve. Love Tiva**


	3. The Baby Angel Arrives

**"Thanks for keeping up with me till now".- Probie**

There was an email with an attachment.

To: tonydinozzoncis

Subject: We now have a baby girl

Dear tony,

It's a girl!

I felt my water break at midnight yesterday. It was a week early than expected. I rushed to the hospital in Tel Aviv. After ten longest hours of my life I gave birth to her. She was a healthy 7.8 lbs baby. When I first held her in my arms, the experience was magical. It was as if she were the most precious thing in my life and I would go to any lengths to protect her, cherish her always. She has your eyes, Tony; your emerald eyes; that will be a constant reminder of our love.

Orli was there to help me through the labor. I think I can trust her now, give her a chance. I can understand whatever she did those years ago. She is the closest thing to a mother I have left. Well, she says that our baby looks just like me. But to me, she's a carbon copy of my sister Tali. She reminds me so much of her. The same dimples that can make anyone fall for her charms, the same same smile that melts my heart, the same innocence of that sixteen-year-old girl whom I never saw grow up. I out rightly decided there to name her after her. Tali David Dinozzo. I will groom this Tali to be a head strong woman who will always make the correct decisions, unlike me. Unlike me, she will not grow up to regret her choices.

I'm sorry for not informing you all this time. But I was quite confused. The girl whom you unwillingly left behind in the tarmac suddenly calls you - it would be all wrong. I didn't know how to break you this news, so I chose to write this email. If the team gets t hear this, they will all be very happy. Tell them this- Gibbs and Ducky are now grandfathers, Abby is an aunt and McGee and Palmer are now uncles to a beautiful baby. Can you do that for me?

Ziva.

There was a photo attached with the email. Probably it was clicked moments after Tali's birth. It showed Ziva in a hospital gown, holding a little red baby wrapped in a pink blanket. Ziva was looking extremely exhausted, sweaty with black shadows under her eyes yet the smile in her face made her the most beauty surpass the roses.

Without a second thought, Tony saved the picture as his desktop background. His loving family, he thought. Had Ziva told him earlier, he would have been there to help her through her labor. He wanted to see his Ninja yell and yelp as their bundle of of joy pushed her way out.

Ziva felt magical holding Tali for the first time. Even he shared the same experience when he first knew he had a daughter. He took a glance at the photograph again. He now had something from Tali's childhood. He can show it to Tali when she grows up and gradually the memories of her mother fade away. Show her how much Ziva loved her.

 **This chapter may be a bit off but I can promise more in the next chapter- probie's word for it. Please catch the next chapter. It is coming soon...**


	4. Of regrets and comfort

**Here we go... Ziva's next mail..**

To:anthonydinozzoncis

Subject: Tali's first birthday and her first words

Dear tony,

Our daughter turned a year today. She's a lovely thing. She can walk a few steps on her own. She surprises me every day. Normally, I would have made her first birthday the grandest of all events but given the circumstances I couldn't do it. Orli came a few days ago, says that someone may be hunting for me. I should not let down my guard, now with Tali here. I couldn't save my sister. I'll do everything in my hand to protect Tali. We just had a quiet evening tea with Shmuel. He drives every weekend from Jerusalem just to be with his granddaughter. We baked a chocolate cake and had a fun time icing it. While Shmuel helped me put up the balloons, Tali went around pricking them with hairpins wherever her tiny hands could reach. You should have seen Tali's smile when she blew up the '1' candle. Now she asks for a candle evey minute. Even Orli who was extremely busy today showed up in the afternoon. She brought a gift-a doggy-Kalev for Tali. So far Kalev is Tali's favorite present. She refuses to let it go even while sleeping. I gave her a family ring- a ring that belonged to the original Tali. Mom had it made for her on her first birthday. I had discovered it a few weeks back, inside a box in the attic. We never went through that box, but I found it right around the time of tali's first birthday. Coincidentally Now it belongs to my daughter Tali.

But you know what compelled me to write this to you at this instant?

Tonight while I was putting Tali to bed, she grabbed our Paris photograph (which is at her bedside table) and muttered quietly "Abba?". A thousand tears stung behind my eyes. I don't know how I was able to hold myself together infront of our daughter. It was her first word, Tony,"Abba". Not "Imma", not anything else in the world but "Abba". If only her abba had been here to hear her. The little girl did not even meet you. True, I told her our tales, the madness in the bullpen, but she has an essential component missing from her life. To her 'abba' is just another character from the bedtime stories who has great spiritual presence in my life. How will Tali feel when she sees other children with their dads.

I'm afraid after all this time how do I tell you, explain you everything? I should have done something from the beginning. Do I even deserve to ask for your forgiveness. All my life I have been snatching happiness from people. Now I'm responsible for taking away our child from the love of my life. Oh tony! what will I say to Tali when she gets older. Will she not hate me for keeping her away from her father.

You must understand that I never realised my action will have such consequences. I only wanted you happy. As always, my decisions have brought me nothing but regret. This isn't doing good to any of us.

 _I have promised, Tony, that Tali is not celebrating her second birthday without you. We are soon coming to you_. I did a grave mistake and if possible please forgive me for it. I'll do my best to mend the past.

There isn't any other person whom I have loved as I love you.

Ziva.

* * *

 _Ziva, I love you more than anyone has ever loved someone._

Tony cried out loud. not caring if he woke up the toddler sleeping beside him, not caring if the neighbors complain, not caring for anything. His Ziva was coming to him _soon_ but fate snatched it from him.

Finally she had realised her damn mistake!

Tony was unsure if he could ever forgive Ziva after reading this. Tali's first words were 'abba' even though she did not know the significance of it. How cruel of Ziva to steal the moment from him. And how crueler of her to leave him alone to fend for himself. Without the love of his life, Tony did not feel a part of his heart missing, he felt it totally ripped out of the body.

"No" whispered a voice as familiar as his own. "I'm still alive in here".

A soothing touch placed at his numb heart and it started beating.

"Ziva". The same hazel hair, as messed as it could be, the eyes of Tony's favorite color, the ninja in tank tops was sitting beside him. Her eyes teasing him as they did the first time ever he saw them.

"yes its me, idiotic fool."

Tony seemed lost.

"don't tell me you were having phone sex." Ziva nudged his shoulder.

Tony recoiled from the shock. "The house, I saw it burn. did you manage to escape?"

"Of course I did or I wouldn't be sitting here, would I." She giggled sarcastically and proceeded to take Tali in her lap. She caressed her and stared humming a song.

She smiled and said "Our daughter is beautiful, don't you think? She has your eyes..."

Tony completed her "...and your smile. But her beauty is attributed to the Dinozzo charm."

Ziva sighed, " as usual, your boasting self."

What? Tony couldn't believe it. Ziva was acting as if nothing had happened. Like they were yet another normal couple bickering over their children.

"says the girl who kept my daughter away from me all this time" interjected Tony.

Ziva grimaced at once, instantly Tony regretted saying it. he had just got her back and he ruined the mood.

" I'm not apologizing to you because I know it won't be enough for what I have done."

"I kept my promise though. I told ya Tali will be celebrating her second birthday with you. and..." She dropped a kiss on his cheek " in a few months you will be doing that. Oh! our daughter will turn two soon." she sounded elated. " just do me a favour, celebrate it with great pomp. I coudn't do it last time. Now that Tali is safe, everything is possible." Ziva was rocking Tali now softly.

"Our little family will always be happy henceforth." She kissed Tali like any mother who hasn't met her child since three days and placed her back on her bed.

"Just wait till I tell the team that you're here. God knows what they have been through for you. Shouldn't you have have told us beforehand that you're all right. that would have saved some tears." Tony told her.

"the team. It has been a home outside home. Tell everyone I love them very much."

Tony replied, " But you can do that yourself. "

Ziva shook her head. " No Tony, I cannot do that. You have to do it for me. You have to live for me. You have to be happy for me. I am still alive but I cannot live. You have to live for me. I will always be with you, you just have to feel me" with that her lips met his. There was an interplay of tongue and teeth, a compensation for all the time of life they missed living together. Tony kissed her back so fiercely that he was nearly dizzy.

Slowly the soft feeling in his lips disappeared. Ziva was gone, but not forever. He would always have the love of his life with him.

He quickly gave a fluttering kiss in the forehead of the peacefully sleeping child and went to sleep beside her.


End file.
